New Blog

I have moved to http://www.f-a-w.net/wordpress/Captain_Doug/

If there is any one actually interested in my continuing adventures that's the site to visit.

Muppet hands

It's cold in Wales, still.
But I've been wearing my gloves (a number of girls with powerful maternal instincts will be pleased).
The thing is my coat has farely tight and long sleaves and this leads to my gloves getting pushed down my hands, not off exactly but to the point that my fingers arn't always in the glove fingers.
I call the phenomena Muppet Hands, coz I spend most of the time wiggling my fingers and making Fozzie Bear noises when I realise it's happened.

So I'm stuck in Chester coz the bus hasn't turned up and there's a bunch of unsavoury types standing around looking menacing. I just have this vision of them dsciding to off me and all I can think to say is "Hey fellas, you wouldn't kill a guy with muppet hands would ya?"

HA, it's only funny if you don't die.

Also I've been having issues getting my hair to look like anything resembling sanity.
But I have managed to get it to go to a bit of a crest going on. I think it make me a look a bit like a chicken, but a cool one.
Sample dialogue:
Guy: "Doug, you look like a complete cock."
Doug: "Thank you very much" :)

Madness

I arrived at work today in a unusually chipper mood. All this coz they played Dolly Parton 9–5 on Radio 2 this morning. Some hilarious singing along ensued.

Got me thinking for the umpteenth time about what songs I need to get available on Rockband/Guitar Hero. (The “band” that I am part of is full of chickens so I have to sing - which is fun but also painful after too long (8 hours is a long gig for anybody))

Anyhoo: Songs that I want:
Aerosmith: I don’t want to miss a thing
Bryan Adams: Everything I do
Dolly Parton: 9–5
Anything from an animated Disney film

These are just a sample, but the point remains that I need more silly songs to sing. Serious rock is fair enough, but a little bit of childishness or even just some rock balladery would be nice.

That said I may just continue singing serious songs in stupid voices, giving emphasis to the wrong words. The song that goes: (in an extremely high pitch) “Raaaape, Muuurdeeer”, springs to mind.

2009 et cetera...

And I'm back online!

So I've moved to North Wales now that I have a job in Chester. It's a nice place (even if I dislike the huge signs everywhere in English AND Welsh). I knackered my back putting up my Ikea bed which was vastly unpleasent and my mac refuses to go wi-fi which means I shouldnt be able to get the internet. However, I am a sneaky bugger and so I've shleped the machine downstairs to the router and am currently blogging in them middle of the living room floor.

'Course your all dying to know what my new years resolutions are (people at work had proper ones and I managed to make myself look the usual amount of stupid when they asked)

1. Say "Hello?!" when I find things. (I saw it on Doctor Who and I looks really cool)
2. Say "Et cetera, et cetera" more often. Think of how much time I could save if I stopped listing things in full.
3. More reading and possibly jogging if the temperature out in the Welsh wilderness gets super zero. (That's totally the word for higher than than zero; it's gotta be the opposite of sub zero)

A Fork

My future is forking.

That is to say that I will find out soon if I have got a new job, but I just wanted to remark upon the diverce futures I have in front of me.

Most days you know roughly what will happen and the jist of what tomorrow will be, but today I get to be excited by the fact that I have no idea which tomorrow I'm getting but will shortly find out.

Tension and the Unknown, Huzzah!

Top tip 1

When making plum crumble (or any of the various fruity crumbles and dishes that need a bowl greasing) DO NOT use butter to grease the dish and then go to the fridge to get ingredients out. This leads to low friction fridg-crobatics with bottles flying out of hands and into carefully arranged jars.

I learnt my lesson the hard way so you don't have to.

More Weird Dreams

First off I feel slightly guilty about only having dreams that are worth mentioning (vs an actual life to write about) but until I get my job sorted there's nothing going on.

That said, my dreams can be pretty entertaining. Also, chock full of famous people.



For those of you that don't know that's Supergirl from Smallville. Any way she was there which may make some sence, but so were these guys, who are characters from an animated series that uses Halo:



Hooray! New level of craziness for my crazy brain!

Also I need to mention a fly the size of a bar of soap with a small elephants trunk that was slurping along a twig in the bathroom, but dream me totally got him with serious dream fly spray.

Pie!

I have made pie!
I imagine this now allows me to achieve the title of piemaker, which is probably a good thing.

A list of things that have recently mentioned pie:
Pushing Daisies
Dr Horrible's Sing Along Blog
The West Wing
Waitress

I think it was Pushing Daisies that made me want to make pie the most, and now I have, so yay.

Pie plans for the future (Pie in the sky ideas):
Eat Pie
Think of more Pie puns
Make more with thinner tops and a variety of innards

Fame!

Is it wrong I was totally amazed that riding a bike is just like riding a bike? (in the, once you've learnt you never forget, sence) Anyway I took a car to be MOT'ed and rode back from the garage on a bike I'd crammed in the boot/back seats/passenger seat. And despite a bit of wobbling to begin with I managed it. Hooray! (Well I was excited)

So excited in fact that I almost considered it more important than the fact that my work can now be purchased on Amazon. So yeah, how about that? Last I checked it was sitting around 8,000th in the bestsellers, making it more popular than Harry Potter (in latin) or The Da Vinci Code (Illustraited version). In your face less sucessful authors. Ha.

As for plans for the future, I shall be making pie. So look for that to debut, ('hot' off the press, boom boom), this weekend.

Dream Science

I was watching a program about dreams recently, it said that you dream with the left side of your brain and that you read with your right. This means that you cannot read things in your dreams.

However, last night I was being I.D.ed by a Colonel while shopping (I am not responcible for the complete lunacy of the dream situation) and when I got my I.D. back I clearly saw that the surname on it was Pfeuer (which he pronounced Shearer). Then I woke up and realised that you can't read in a dream.

There are four possibilities here:
1. Batman: The Animated Series is not a ironclad source of scientific infomation.
2. I only dreamed that I could read it, rather than actually reading it.
3. Using both sides of my brain at the same time was possible as I was waking up and so not totally dreaming.
4. I am magic. Hence, I can dream and read with the same parts of my brain like some kind of X-Man.

Premature Shopping

You know what's amazing?
Toothpaste.
I was running out so I went and bought more (this, to clarify, is not the amazing part), there were like billions of choices, but I managed a decision and got the replacement tube home and waited for the apparently empty tube to finally die.
That was weeks ago.
This tube is hanging on like a crazy thing.
I am getting to be quite amazed.
It must be like the tardis in there, only full of toothpaste.

Or (if nobody else's toothpaste tubes do this) perhaps I'm magic?
I could be like the guy that went round after Jesus fed 30,000 people fish sandwiches, who made sure they all had minty fresh breath with one tube of paste.
Hmm, I do have very cool sandels/official Haynes flip flops.
Could I get in trouble for claiming myself to be a/the dental messiah?

Adventures in pickling

I'm back baby!
There was nothing, but now there's me! Hooray!
I've been working in a library this week, which would be dull, but because I'm doing something other than wandering around Cambridge or watching TV, it means I have been dreaming again (when I sleep) which is great!
Course the contents were gibberish - fireworks, Montmartre and more running than an episode of Doctor Who - but it's the fact that my brain still works that's good.
I then spent the day giggling that a book with the code F-O-X had been put next to a book with the code H-E-N. Oh, library japes, will you never end?

Speaking of doing nothing for a long time:
I made an experimental mixed bean salad a while back, literally mixed beans with a vinegrette dressing thing (all guessed based on the what-would-Jamie-Oliver-do principle) and it tasted alright so I ate most of it. Weeks later I find it at the back of the fridge and the ebans were still good! Also, as a by product of being in a vinegrette for many weeks they had becomed pickled! Hence the preserving. Wow. I was amazed - so I ate them going "wow, I can't believe they're pickled"

Learning

Well, I now have more free time.
The people at work figured out that, despite being a fine writer, good looking, charming, etc, etc, I'm not terribly good at writing health and safety news. Also my massive lack of determination, motivation and the other one (perspiration?), meant I'm now looking for a new job.

Well, among other things of course.

I have been dog-sitting, which involves a great deal of sitting around in Newark. But I have been doing lots of learning, as I tend to in this sort of situation.

I have learnt what Dulche de Leche is. I found the recipe in a cookbook (literally stick a tin of condensed milk in boiling water for three hours) this recipe then goes on for half a page with warnings about the dangers of following the recipe. You see heating a sealed can wrong would make it explode. Opening a heated can would cause it to explode. It was the warnings that got me interested. Also I didn't know what it is so I gave it a shot. This required constant monitoring of the can for three hours as it clunks and rattles in a pot of boiling water - very exciting and probably not as dangerous as it felt. Turns out it's like caramel spread. Quite nice.

Also while sitting around in Newark I got a snazzy new hair cut (the old one had lost its pizazz) and at the same time visited the opticians, where I learnt another valuable lesson. Never watch a lot of Angel (or any Vampire programme) just before visiting an opticians. Having someone lean in that close was extremely uncomfortable as I was sure that the bloke was preparing to bite me. Also, I learnt that Leamington Spa is so much classier than Newark (Specsavers-wise at least) Leamington: Nice location, fancy machines, pleasant folks.
Newark: The thing is in Morrisions, the tech is very low, and the contact lens bloke turned my eyelids inside out on purpose! (What the hell?!)

Lots of TV watching besides Angel; Pride and Prejudice, The Office mostly. But did you know:
That the first of Disney's High School Musicals used 20 shades of lip gloss? Me neither! But more amazing is that the second one used twice as many! 40! Gee-whizz, that sure is a lot. I was so amazed, that I began seriously looking for something better to do with my life.

Suggestions welcome.

Easy Bake Fridge

Well, I've got the latest in the long line of unpleasent things that my basement flat does.

I could not figure out why all of my food was going off so fast when I was keeping it refridgerated and has absolutely no idea why my beef was going very strange colours (the colour of jerky is ont what you expect after two days in the fridge)

Anyway, there's this toy in the States, possibly here (i'm not really up with girls toys) it's called and easy bake oven and you've probably heard of it. It cooks cupcakes with a lightbulb in a box and perhaps you can see where this is going?

The light in my fridge does not go off when you close the door. Normally it vanishes by magic, but not down here. No magic in that kitchen. The light stays on. HEATING the top corner of my fridge. MY FOOD HAS BEEN COOKING IN THE FRIDGE! THE FRIDGE IS A F**KING EASY BAKE OVEN!!!

This is wrong, the only thing you should be able to cook in a fridge is fridge cake and that's just using freezing powers.

There's actually a bowl of mine hat has been up against the icy bakc of the fridge and the light, so that one half is frozen and the other is hot.

AAAAAAHHHHHHHKKKHHHHAAAAANNNN!!!!!!

Cooking in the fridge just boggles my monkey.

The time I went to Strawberry Fair

What's the hottest you've ever felt? (temperature-wise obviously)

It was sunny today and I was doing my laundry and sitting by the driers reading was pretty boiling, but I'm sure that I've felt hotter. It's kind of odd that you can remember images and smells and tastes and things from those obvious sences, but that you get nothing from temperature or the other sneaky sences.

My bathroom's started to smell like a vets. It's kind of nice because it can remind me of my dogs, but it's a rather odd clinical smell that doesn't make a great deal of sense first thing in the morning.

Of course my bathroom here is just one oddity to the next. The latest occurance is a new found sence of danger and urgency in the shower. I reckon this is caused by the sunny weather, people are shedding all their hair for the summer and so the drainage hole is never clear. As well as being gross, this can be quite exciting as showering goes one of two ways:
1) The usual way, where the clog sits there not letting water out. This gives you only a few minutes before the bottom of the shower fills with water and overflows everywhere! This is just on the edge of the level of intensity that I can handle first thing in the morning.
2) The new way, with enough foam surrounding the clog, it can actually float off the hole and start travelling round the bowl in the currents. First thing in the morning, with no glasses on and water in my eyes, a fuzzy disc in a white cloud circling my feet is enough to make a memorable showering experience.

But I was talking about the heat, and the sun. It's kind of ironic that today it's boiling and sunny, when yesterday it was muggy and dark. You see yesterday was the Strawberry Fair. The exact famousness of the fair isn't really something I can judge - I'd never heard of it before, but everyone at work has been talking about whether or not they're going so I guess it's a big deal to some. From what I can tell it's a hippy fair. Lots of people setting up tents in a cow field and... being hippies.

So I poodle down in the cloudy afternoon, I had no idea where it was - having never been before - but finding huge crowds of people doing a weird kind of zombie walk over there, I blended in and headed over.

There's a big blueish smoke haze in the distance marking our arrival. So I stagger round among the tents selling jewellery, and tie dye shirts and all kinds of food, listen to some bands (one of which was good) and I spend £5!!!!! on a glass of cider (£5!!!! for Old-sodding-Rosie!!!! £5!!!! Jeez!! for an anti-captitalism bunch, they sure chrage rediculous amounts for alcohol) Getting bored and feeling ill from the fumes I stagger into Cambridge city centre from an angle I've never seen before. Eventually finding somewhere I recognise I shuffle around in Borders until I get my head clear. Then I went DVD shopping, which, rather than being under the influence of anything perticular, actually proves that I'm back to normal.

It was just a bit strange that yesterday was so gloomy and everyone was sitting in a field pretending to enjoy the weather, while today it actually is sunny and I only have a park to enjoy it in, instead of a field full of hippies. Who smell bad.

Still ice lollies and Harry Potter, in the sun, watching the girls go by. Great.

Define Action?

I was going to post something about my not being jobless and the common unprobability of my continued survival.

Also (maybe unfortunatly), the almost certaintude of my continuing at this job (barring any sudden HUGE drop in skill) for quite sometime as the other news and feature writer is leaving and I would imagine that keeping me around rather than making themsleves 100% writer free is the company's prefered course of action.

Anyway, was going to say all that but:

I set fire to a potato. With a microwave. It was potato coloured on the outside, and toasted black at the heart. Also there was a very great deal of smoke. Action was lept to. More or less.

It's emergencies like this where you learn what kind of man you are. So while everyone else fled the kitchen as the air turned grey and unbreatheable I carried the smoking potato-rock to the sink and drowned the bastard. Then turned on the extractor fan. Then put my beans in the microwave. As the fire alarm went off and others left to shut up the siren, I got some bread and fired up the toaster - if baked potato is outthe window (or technically underwater) I guess beans on toast is the only remaining dinner option.

Who am I?

I'm Doug (not Spiderman)

Work...

How do you know things about what you do?
How do you know if it's right for you or wrong for you?
I guess it's guess you just have to know one way or the other.
But even then you don't have to act on that
One of the (many) things I like to see myself as is Wile E. Coyote, not because of cunning or relentlessness or the many other fine qualities; I'm the foot stuck in a loop of rope dragged behind the giant rocket boucing along the ground before I hit a cliff face, expode and then get smashed by a falling rock Coyote.
It always seem like I'm about to be splatted/exploded/crushed, but, not yet.
I guess the better side of me keeps us going regardless.
Hooray (for now)

Q&A

You know what I haven't done in a long time?
Odds are that every answer you came up with is correct.

I have done very little besides work and sleep for a good long while now, and it looks like that's going to continue or a while longer.

But not to despair!
It may be the darkest hour or many hours before the darkest hour, but Captain Doug does not despair.
It's going to take some growth before I'm a decent News and Features Writer, but all I need is the appropriate montage music and this will pan out, I'm sure. Seems like time to put my ipod on random and wait for destiny.

But it's not all waiting here in Cambridge... oh no!
I'm out and about doing my best to meet interesting people and foxy ladies. Foxy and interesting - a deadly combination.
Course, being utterly wingman-less at the moment and having no idea where to start looking I'm mostly reading comics on Parkers Piece and um... waiting. Damn. So not quite proactive on reflection.

Ah, but you see there is no situation so bad that Captain Doug cannot make seem far better by refering to himself in the third person. Hooray!

Lunch!

Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in.

I don't have the internets at home yet so here I am, face full of philly and roast veg sammage, frantically typing during my lunch break.

I have been called into action by Hayley and, never one to not do what a lady tells me to do, to action I shall spring.

She wants to transmit a meme (a cultural element passed on by imitation, which is technobabble for chain mail) giving the fifth to eighth sentances of page 123 of the nearer book to you, so here it is

“The way in which an employer fulfils its duties to employees, visitors and third parties is set out in more detail in subordinate legislation. The management of Health and Safety at Work Regulations 1999 set out in broad terms how health and safety should be managed. They provide detailed guidance, and one of the most important issues they address is the requirement to carry out risk assessments.”

Oh yes, this is blatantly turning out exactly how she planned it.

Worst of all is my appallingly short list of blog contacts. As such I will link to someone new – Chris, through the site he uses very occasionally and also bounce this back to Hayley so she can keep it going. I’m sure there’s a very science term for this, but I don’t know it.

More words to follow when I have webbed my chamber (got internet access in my room).

J-Day

Well, this is the end of my not being at work.
As of tomorrow I start working and that's a very exciting thing.
I will have a place in Cambridge, but it's going to be ready next weekend so there's going to be a week of relying on the kindness of others before that. My place is small, it's cheap and I'll go into more detail when I'm there.

So I'm currently being very excited about work - lots of packing and outfit planning and travel planning and so on which is kinda fun.

As far as things that have happened goes; I have a tale of coldness and misery on a hillside. But ultimately there are lessons learnt and character growth.
I went hiking!

When someone says to me, "Doug, do you fancy going trekking?" after I ask them if they actually mean watching a lot of Star Trek, I envision a sort of leisurely extended pub crawl with camping in the middle and pleasant views in between pubs.

When someone asks me, "Do you fancy going trekking?" what they actually mean is serious hiking, with little to no pubbage and a lot of pain, cold winds and hail.
Unfortunately this is a difference I found out once we'd arrived and were too far up the side of a hill to get back to a pub.

The drama that ensued took place over Good Friday, with the plan being that it continue until Easter Sunday. These days we snowy. They were cold. They were some of the nastiest days weatherwise this year and we took full advantage of that by getting as high up as we could. Oh how dumb are we?

The first hour was nice, a new view and sunny weather lulled us into thinking that perhaps all the panicky weather folks were wrong. But then we actually reached the top. The hail and wind found us. We started to freeze. Noses started to run, leading to hours of sniffing, leading to sinus aches of a serious cold. That wasn't all! The differences in expectation were clear in the equipment and so after the first hours I discovered my old boots were now half a size to small for my feet and as such were doing their darnedest to peel off my toenails. This would of been a mild irritation on a three day pub to pub walk, but on a cross country hike it was hours of torture. Similarly, the bag I brought would have served me well walking betwixt pubs and removing it to drink and sit, but carrying it for hours over varying terrains was not something either of us were designed for.

We did make it to a pub, dragging ourselves off the hills long after sunset, but the sniffing was too painful for me to drink so this did very little to lift my spirits apart from being warm (which was wonderful, but not enough to balance out the suffering.)

Day Two should of consisted of a greater distance. This plan was very quickly rejected. Plan B took us quickly over the hills (now covered in snow). This plan was rejected. Finally plans that involved motorized vehicles began appearing, to more enthusiasm.

The best bit was when we got back in the car. This was warm and also involved sitting which was lovely. This was also before all the aches of overused muscles kicked in.

After that was very painful but I wouldn't want to bore you with moaning...

Lesson learnt:
I am not an outdoors, fit, energetic type of man. What a wonderful thing to learn about yourself. But at least I could comfort myself with chocolate.